Elsie

Some people never seem motivated to participate,but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".>

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping> hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

Subject: A Blonde Pilot A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn How to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one Available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go Up alone since she was already a pilot for Small planes, and he could instruct her Via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was Going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking Via radio. Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came Down quickly! It skimmed the top of some > Trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed Out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached > The edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was Going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What > Happened then?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned > Off the ceiling fan."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to> him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"> She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking> past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's> doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.> Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher pa used and said, "But no one knows what God looks like

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.> "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'> A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead.">

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."> "Yes," the class said.> "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"> A little fellow shouted,> "Cause your feet ain't empty

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:> "Take only ONE . God is watching."> Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.> A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.">

Subject: Fw: Inner Peace> To: ;>> I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.> By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."> So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 8 cans of Miller Lite, a bottle of Absolut, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.> You have no idea how freaking good I feel.> Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.>

Fw: some old, some new
 CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
 mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
 smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in
 the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


 SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
 very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I
 wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away
 my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.>
 Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
 the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
 lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
 bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S
 A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one
 night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science
 &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
 name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is
 the vacuum on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
 JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
 dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
 that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
 "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......,"
 answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!!!"

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Elsie sent me a jack o lantern

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

>> > The Way Children
> > Look At It
> >
> > 1) NUDITY
> > I was driving with my three young children one warm
> > summer evening when a woman in the convertible
> > ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
> > naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
> > 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
> > isn't wearing a seat belt!"
> >
> > 2) OPINIONS
> > On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
> > teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
> > opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
> > those of his parents."
> >
> > 3) KETCHUP
> > A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
> > the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
> > asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
> > "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
> > now. She's hitting the bottle."
> >
> > 4) MORE NUDITY
> > A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
> > in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
> > the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
> > towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
> > in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
> > haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
> >
> > 5) POLICE # 1
> > While taking a routine vandalism report at an
> > elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
> > girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
> > my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
> > "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
> > "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
> > the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
> > "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
> > me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
> >
> > 6) POLICE # 2
> > It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
> > in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
> > K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
> > staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
> > asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
> > at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
> > said, "What'd he do?"
> >
> > 7) ELDERLY
> > While working for an organization that delivers lunches
> > to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
> > on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
> > the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
> > walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
> > pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
> > the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
> > whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
> >
> > 8) DRESS-UP
> > A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
> > When she saw her dad donning hi s tuxedo, she warned,
> > "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
> > darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
> > the next morning. "
> >
> > 9) DEATH
> > While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
> > our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
> > made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
> > his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
> > burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
> > and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
> > disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
> > say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
> > his version of what he thought his father always said:
> > "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
> > the hole he goooes."
> >
> > 10) SCHOOL
> > A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
> > "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
> > "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
> >
> > 11) BIBLE
> > A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
> > fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
> > Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
> > up th e object and looked at it. What he saw was an
> > old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
> > "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
> > "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
> > the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
> > underwear."
> >
> >

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